Photo courtesy of JD Hancock and Flickr
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
– Anaïs Nin, author
A couple of years ago, I wrote this article on clarity in relationships. I ended up using this as the basis for Chapter 10 of RESULTS, The Secret of Powerful Connection. Enjoy!
One of the main areas where people ask me about the principles behind clarity is in relationships. Whether it’s in intimate relationships, friends and family, clients and colleagues, or even random interactions, relationships appear to be one of the big “could do better” areas for many of us. In this article, I’m going to introduce you to The CLARITY Relationship Quadrant, where you’ll discover how better relationships may be closer than you think.
I was working with my group on the Clarity Trainer Training Programme today, when one of my students asked about relationships. I explained that how we perceive other people is pretty much consistent with our own level of clarity in the moment:
– When you’re feeling frustrated, other people often appear to be the source of that frustration
– If you’re feeling grateful, other people may appear to be a source of blessings
– When you’re feeling angry, the chances of another person seeming like the source of that anger are pretty high
We’re always living in the feeling of the principle of Thought taking form in the moment, but it often seems as though our feelings are letting us know about something other than Thought. In fact, it often seems as though our feelings are telling us about another person. But that’s not possible, at the level of principles. Your feelings are letting know about what’s happening in your perception.
Here are some scenarios:
A) Bob and Jane feel angry at each other. Their angry feelings are letting each of them know they have angry thinking in this moment. But each of them mistakenly believes their feelings are telling them about the other person. This is the source of CONFLICT.
B) Bob and Jane have a big shouting match, followed by passionate make-up sex. In the heat of the moment, their heads clear, and they start feeling deeply CONNECTED to each other.
C) Later on, Bob starts getting upset again, but Jane still feels connected and clear-headed. She sees that Bob has just lost his bearings, and her heart goes out to him, full of COMPASSION.
D) The next day, Bob wakes up with a clear head. He goes to Jane to apologise for his hasty words the night before, but she’s in a rush to get out the door and snaps at him. He sees that Jane has lost her bearings. He feels compassion for her, seeing the innocence in the ebb and flow of her thinking.
The CLARITY Relationship Quadrant is very simple. It works on the basis that:
– Your feelings are always letting you know about Thought taking form in your experience, moment to moment
– That other people will appear to be consistent with your Thought-generated perceptual reality
– That when neither participant has clarity, it’s a recipe for conflict
– That when one person in a relationship has clarity, it creates space for the other person to start finding their clarity too
This is incredibly hopeful news; it means that clarity in your relationships starts with you.
To your increasing clarity,
Big love
Jamie